Reparations in Practice - A Day at the Dept of Social Justice
Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that the political stars align and Reparations legislation makes it through the House of Representatives, through the President’s pen, and codified into law.
Obviously, a new department is created to handle the details. We’ll call it “The Department of Social Justice (DSJ),” because there may or may not be further SJW-related legislation hot on the heels of this successful program.
A visit to the DSJ might look something like this:
First, you enter the facility through a metal detector and receive a thorough #metoo-style pat down.
Next, Phase 1: Skin Tone Measurement
For this, you stand in front of a wall chart with a gradient of various skin tones ranging from right to left; from white to black respectively. A solid line delineates “Payers” to the right and “Recipients” to the left.
For “Payers,” this is the end of your journey. Just be expecting a much larger tax burden in the coming tax season.
For “Recipients,” onto Phase 2: Documentation
For this part, you’ll need to provide lineage documents that prove authentically that you are, in fact, descendant of a slave. Lucky for you, a cottage industry already sprang up to help forge fake documents for reparation applicants. Before your visit today, you and your family each chipped in a few bucks, paid for the service, and made copies at your cousin’s house. Thank goodness too, because you don’t even know who your father is!
Phase 3: DNA Testing
During this phase of the application process, you will be asked to complete a DNA test and provide an uncomfortable amount of information… for your protection, of course. This has nothing to do with whether or not you’ll receive your hard-earned reparations, but you don’t know that. The color chart at the beginning was the only information your honest federal government required.
After you have given the Department of Social Justice more info than a Facebook server, it’s now time to calculate your payment.
Approximate cost of 40 acres (at $12,100/acre) is $484,000. A low-end mule? About $1k. At the time of the US Census of 1860 (right before civil war 1861-65), there were 3,953,761 slaves. If we were giving up land, we would need 158,150,440 acres of land to give (Texas is 171.9M acres by comparison). If we’re giving the cost of that land away, we would need to budget out $1,913,620,324,000 — oh yeah, AND a shit ton of mules — oh yeah, AND we’re gonna pay for everyone’s college — oh yeah, AND we’re going to have free healthcare for all.
With a US GDP of around $20B, we’ll pay for that in no time, right?
That number is then divided amongst all of your descendants and we finally get a total.
Your cut: $25.13
All of the historical wrongs have been righted.
All the wounds are healed.
All the pains of the past have passed.
All for the price of a nice steak dinner at your local steakhouse!