50 early-intervention choices you have the power to make
Written offensively by: Daniel Wagner
Once again, the abortion debate is raging through the public consciousness.
A new law gets passed, favoring one side over the other, people get outraged on social media for about a week, then it’s forgotten in favor of the next hot topic. Nothing is accomplished.
In my humble opinion, if we (as a society) are at a point where it seems the only choice is to “abort” or “keep,” we have missed a few steps — and acknowledgment of the many choices that were missed along the way.
For those of you who think abortion is the only choice, I have provided an extensive list of choices which neatly fit within the “my body, my choice” mantra. This piece is called “How You Can be Pro-Choice and Pro-Life.” Or as it might alternatively be titled: “Dear Unborn Child, Let me Tell you the Countless Choices I Made that Led me Here.”
1. You could choose abstinence.
Probably the most obvious and straightforward choice. It’s simple. Just keep your legs closed, knees together, feet slightly pigeon-toed.
2. You could choose to have some respect and reverence for the power of the “V”… (oh, and yourself too!)
Being born with the power of the “V” is like a man born with a large stuffed wallet (otherwise known as a trust fund). The opposite sex really wants what the other has — don’t spend it all in one place.
3. You could learn to accept responsibility for your actions and the consequences.
It’s not everyone else’s fault you messed up.
4. You could choose to buy and use toys.
I know it’s not as good as the real fleshy deal, but it can certainly act as a great “snack” before you get to the main course. Best advice I ever received was to masterbate before going on a date to help you think more clearly. It really works!
5. You could choose to pursue self-knowledge.
Pursuing self-knowledge significantly reduces your need to lead with the “V.”
6. You could become a Christian.
Those people will shame the shit out of you, removing any desire for pre-marital sex whatsoever.
7. You could become a Catholic nun.
I hear the abortion rate among celibate nuns is super low. Although, if what they say about Catholic school girls is true, this may not be your strongest move.
8. Invest in a sex doll.
There are a few cutting-edge companies producing some incredibly realistic-looking dolls. Lucky for you, the one feature they don’t (yet) have is active sperm.
9. You could choose to put yourself in a self-induced coma.
It may be extreme, but it is a choice.
10. You could choose to go on dates or not.
Take some time to focus on you — your career, your church, your nails, your Instagram likes… you know, the important stuff. But,
If you choose to date
11. You can choose locations to meet quality men.
There’s a big difference in the quality of available men if you choose to meet them at the library versus the unemployment office.
12. Choose not to dress like a whore
Baggy, frumpy clothes for you! A bath curtain, an ugly sweater, a burlap sack, or a burka. The possibilities are endless!
13. You could choose to apply makeup or go au natural.
We all know what makeup is designed to do. There’s nothing wrong with just being plain ol’ you. This limits the amount of low-quality dicks being thrown on your front lawn.
14. You could choose whether or not to attend that party.
Many stories of deep regret start with, “so I was at this party…”
15. Wear a chastity belt and give best friend the key.
Or, better yet, swallow the key and we’ll figure out how to get it out later.
16. You could choose not to drink.
People tend to make poor decisions while under the influence, if you know what I mean!
17.You could choose not to smoke weed.
(See #16: Choose not to drink)
18. You can choose to text him back or not.
Just because he says “heyy” at 2 in the morning, doesn’t mean you have to text him back. “Netflix and Chill?” doesn’t quite mean what it sounds like.
19. Choose to listen to your friend who keeps insisting he’s bad news.
If your friend tries to warn you and you choose to do it anyway, you might consider asking yourself why you are friends with someone who’s advice means nothing to you. Of course, if you’re the type of person who doesn’t listen to good advice, you’re probably not reading this to begin with.
20. You could choose a nice beta-male
Say “yes” to that not-so-good-looking but totally dependable and loyal beta male.
21. Introduce him to your parents for scrutiny before following through with the sexy sex.
Parents have a good way of turning off the ol’ libido for a bit.
22. Learn about/understand the dicks-to-divorce statistics and implications.
Hint: It’s dose-dependent
23. You could choose to wait for him to put a ring on it.
Make dude commit before you get preggers and he splits, leaving you with no “choice.”
24. You could choose to set your finances in order.
Make sure you’re financially capable of supporting a child before you participate in activities that result in having a child. However,
If you choose to have sex
25. Confucius say: “Before you fornicate, first try fingers, feet, and fat rolls.”
For tutorials, graphics, and how-tos, go to duckduckgo.com and enter “fetish porn” into the search bar. Do not use Google, unless you want them to think you’re into some weird kinky shit. Confucius also say, “Google track you. Use Duck Duck Go instead.”
26. You have a ton of birth control method choices.
It’s not like you lack options. You have the combination pill, progestin-only pill, extended-cycle pill, vaginal ring, diaphragm, IUD, female condom, patch, implant, tubal ligation (sterilization), tubal Implants (sterilization), emergency contraception: Plan B, sponge, and cervical cap. Try saying all that five times fast.
27. You could choose to use a condom.
99% effective. That is, unless you choose to sleep with some neanderthal who can’t figure out which way to roll it down. (No offense to neanderthals)
28. You could education yourself on your natural cycles
Check out this neat tool called an “ovulation calculator” It helps you determine when the best days to get pregnant are (http://www.firstresponse.com/en/Online-Tools/Ovulation-Calculator) Still be cautious since sperm can live up to five days if it's trapped in fertile cervical mucus. That means you can still get pregnant up to five days before ovulation.
29. You could choose to get fixed.
If you researched the horrors of abortion and thought, “well, that’s just fine!” Do the world a favor and try this strategy. Like, seriously!
30. Choose anal.
I’m no OBGYN, but I read somewhere that due to technological advancements in the 21st century, pregnancies caused by anal are at an all-time low .
31. On a scale of 1 to whore, you could choose 1.
(See #3: Reverence for the “V” and #22: Dicks-to-Divorce stats)
32. You can choose to have sex on your period.
For this to work, you need to choose a “what’s the point in having a sword if you’re not going to get it bloody” kind of guy. Be cautious, however, if you have shorter cycles than normal.
33. You could choose a sterile guy.
The trips to the abortion clinic you take
Are none if your guy is shooting off blanks.
34. You could have sex with a married man.
The LAST thing any self-respecting man wants is to admit he’s had an affair and has a baby on the way. Be cautious, however, as if you do get pregnant, he will apply liberal amounts of shame, guilt, manipulation, and pressure for aborting the fetus.
35. You could be a lesbian.
Remember the “birds and the bees” talk you had with your school friends five years before your parents awkwardly approached you to chat? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think bees and bees make babies. In this case, Brittany and Brenda won’t be needing Planned Parenthood.
36. Choose to apply spermicide.
Destroy those little swimmers! Using spermicide is like putting piranhas in the water with Michael Phelps as he races toward the finish line; there’s a 70% to 80% likelihood he’ll make it through, but chances are, he won’t.
37. You could become born-again Christian.
It’s time to seal up the ol’ vag for a bit and recommit yourself to the virgin lifestyle until after marriage, young lady.
Now that you’re pregnant
38. Choose selflessness over selfishness.
This is a liberal virtue, is it not?
39. You could give custody to the father.
He may be young, dumb, and full of cum… but at least he’s not a monster.
40. You could give custody to your parents
It’s the price they pay for not introducing you to the aforementioned choices.
41. You could give up for adoption
There are a TON of families out there who’ve made considerably less bad decisions than you have, and they would be willing to adopt your bundle of cells… er, joy.
On abortion day, you could:
42. Choose to call and cancel the appointment.
43. Choose not to get in the car and turn the ignition key.
44. Choose to drive a different direction.
45. Choose not to go inside the clinic.
46. Choose to walk back out of the clinic.
47. Choose not to sign in at the front desk.
48. Choose not to follow the nurse into the private room.
49. Choose to scream “Stop!” moments before the 9-inch-long clear plastic 14-French suction catheter enters your vagina.
50. Choose to… nevermind. Too late.
If you were offended by any of the above choices or the accompanying commentary, perhaps you need to ask yourself which is the more offensive crime; some guy on the internet writing a snarky pro-choice article, or dismembering a perfectly healthy and viable baby moments before birth and claiming that pro-lifers are trying to deny you your choice to do so?
I agree with the idea that it’s your body and it is your choice. But, as soon as you’ve entered the realm of abortion, it is no longer your body or your choice. You forfeited that right the moment you chose incorrectly in any of the above potential choices.
What other choices might you have missed along the way?