Letters to a Righty: Dear Trump Voter

Dear Trump Voter,

I know the coming elections are coming up soon, and I’m trying to make a decision about who to vote for. If I’m going to vote in a system funded by theft and dedicated to the unjust redistribution of wealth, I need to do some homework to make sure I select the best mob boss.

This is where you come in.

I need your help understanding why I should vote in favor of Trump over the other candidates. Based on my finger-to-the-wind analysis of the political landscape, I realize that your candidate has a decent shot at securing the presidency coming this November, so long as he can keep his foot out of his mouth long enough to make it there. As far as I can tell, I’d prefer Trump to nearly all other candidates (oh if only Gary Johnson had a fighting chance…), but I need to be sure.

I just have a few concerns that need to be addressed.

First, the elephant in the room.

I’m worried that Trump’s fake tan is so orange and so deep that if he is printed in a black and white textbook, he’ll look like our second black president. I’m not saying that the color of your skin makes you a good or bad leader. What I am saying is, how can you expect him to make good choices about how to run this country if he can’t even make good choices of which spray tan to use? Telling over three hundred million people how to live their lives is a mind-bogglingly huge job and it requires someone who is perfect – so perfect in fact, that you’d be hard pressed to find a single person in the entire world who will know what is best for everyone in all circumstances ever.

And how do you reconcile rallying behind a man of his stature? I thought the honorable seat of the presidency was reserved for those with a certain amount of dignity and poise. As far as I can tell, it used to be a position awarded to those who possessed an understanding of appropriate decorum and respectability; not for one who has great business sense and television-ready charisma wrapped in a rude and crass shell.

Don’t worry; not all of my concerns are centered around aesthetics and etiquette.

I’m happy to ignore the fact that he could end up being the commander-in-chief of an overtly corrupt government – that he is just as willing to steal from U.S. citizens through taxation as the next guy (or girl). I mean, after all, who is worse? The lady who will steal your laptop AND the wireless mouse or the guy willing to settle for just the laptop?

I do realize that he’s the symbol of the anti-establishment—the candidate who is outside the system, but when looking at the actual facts, he has been paying off the establishment for years, including his opponent, Hillary Clinton via the Clinton Foundation. During a speech, he said, “When they call, I give. And you know what, when I need something from them two years later, three years later, I call them. They are there for me.”

Morality does not make money. Morality does not run countries.

Greasing palms for future favors, however, does.

Lastly, help me understand exactly why you are so excited about putting a wall between us and Mexico and getting the Mexican government to pay for it. It might be a completely sound plan—prefect in every way—but how do you know? You don’t exactly strike me as the kind of person who will do the research on how Trump actually plans to get Mexico to build this wall. However, you do strike me as the kind of person who hears a snarky remark about the wall getting ten feet higher and immediately forgoes your visit to YouPorn because you don’t need it anymore.

I appreciate your time and look forward to your insightful unbiased response.

Kind Regards,
Daniel Wagner.
Tweet me @unframeofmind